Have your thoughts ever festered over hours – or even days – and you know you just have to get something off your chest? When you finally say it out loud to your significant other, co-worker, or friend, did the situation seem to get better…or worse? Ranting, venting, complaining – We’ve all done it. But why do we find the desire to vent, and what purpose does it serve?
Why do we vent?
It is human nature to feel dissatisfied throughout our lives. The definition of complaining – also known as venting, or ranting – is “the behavioral expression of dissatisfaction.” Some suggest that venting is a way to diffuse emotions. Indeed, research has shown that for infrequent complainers, verbalizing frustration can reduce stress. However, chronic complainers do not reap the same benefit. In addition, people who vent just to agree with someone – even if they don’t hold the same opinion – tend to internalize complaints. Complaining is contagious and over time can worsen your mood. And generally, complaining only serves the person who is doing the complaining.
Your brain’s muscle memory might be inviting stress.
Imaging studies in both animals and humans have shed light on something called brain plasticity. When you practice a musical instrument or play a video game, you are training your mind to become more skilled at the task at hand. At a cellular level, brain plasticity means that our brains (cells, nerves, chemicals) are quite literally adapting, or “rewiring” when presented with repeat stimuli. The more you practice, the more likely you are to hit that high note or master that video game. On the other hand, the more you complain, the more your brain can unintentionally find things to complain about.
Research has also shown that chronic stress negatively affects your brain. The more anger, anxiety, and tension you feel, the more “stress chemicals” your body releases. These chemicals can “rewire” your brain, and not in a good way. Chronic stress shrinks and kills your brain cells and their connections. For example, your brain’s hippocampus plays an important role in memory, learning, and mood, and is constantly undergoing neuroplastic changes to help you adapt to your surroundings. Chronic stress stops new cell growth in the hippocampus, weakens existing connections, and causes difficulty in memory and concentration.
Try these 5 methods to compress the stress, boost your mood, and enhance communication
Name that emotion
If you feel the tension building up and “need” to unload on someone, take a moment to reflect on what you’re feeling. Many people can’t even name their feelings. Do you feel like your emotions are limited to happy, sad, and angry? Find a list of feelings!
Here is an example list created by The Hoffman Institute.
Read the list of words and pick the one that best describes how you feel. Perhaps in place of “angry”, you instead choose the words “vindictive”, “annoyed”, or “impatient”. These words have very different implications and can help you identify your stress triggers.
Once you appropriately name your mood, find the “why” of the emotion. Ask yourself, “Why am I offended/annoyed/frustrated? Identifying the reason behind your mood can help you realize that venting to someone is not going to change your feelings or the situation. Ask yourself, “What is the goal of venting my feelings in this situation?” If you wish to improve your feelings and communication, then there are other techniques you can use to cope with your feelings – once you’ve named them, that is!
Practice gratitude consistently
In a study of over 1300 participants, those who engaged in daily gratitude journaling for 2 weeks had increased “positive affect, subjective happiness, and life satisfaction.” Daily journaling was also found to reduce depressive symptoms. This doesn’t have to be a difficult task. Simply write a list of 3-5 things that you are grateful for every day. If you’re a morning person, do it over coffee or breakfast. If you think more clearly at night, then write your list when you get into bed. Instead of being critical, you can instead find things to be thankful for, thus “rewiring” your brain to seek satisfaction. (3)
Exercise is a free and natural mood booster
Research has definitively shown that regular exercise is beneficial for both the mind and body. Only half of U.S. adults get enough exercise, but it is shown to help reduce disease and improve mental health symptoms: It can clear brain fog, increase mental sharpness, build your confidence, help your memory, and heighten creativity. Exercise also reduces stress by increasing your serotonin, dopamine, and adrenaline levels. Boosting these chemicals is how many mental health medications work. So, exercise is quite literally medicine for your mood: it fights off depression and anxiety! Bonus, this exercise-happiness relationship increases with age, so the older you get and the more you exercise, the more happy chemicals your brain produces.
Increase well-being with mindfulness
While many self-soothing exercises reduce stress, they all have one thing in common: mindfulness. Mindfulness is the process of bringing your attention, thoughts, and feelings into the present moment, and then practicing “nonjudgmental acceptance”. Mindfulness is the ultimate tool against anxiety and stress. With practice, you can regulate your emotions, decrease reactivity, and approach life more calmly. Practicing for just a few minutes daily can radically improve your mood. Try it out and see for yourself:
- Sit in a comfortable position – If seated in a chair, have your feet flat on the floor. If you’re on the floor, cross your legs. Support your back with a wall if needed.
- Make sure your environment is calm – If complete silence is “too loud”, play some nature or rain sounds, or ambient meditation music.
- Set a timer for 5 minutes and start the clock.
- Take slow deep breaths in and out – There are different breathing techniques but starting with a 4-4-4 count is sufficient: count to 4 while slowly inhaling, hold your breath for 4 seconds, then release your breath slowly for 4 seconds.
- Then repeat!
As you focus on breathing, you may find that focusing on the present is, well, really hard! As thoughts come into your mind, don’t scold yourself. Gently acknowledge the thought, then let it go and bring your focus back to the now. With continued practice, you will strengthen your mind-body connection and improve your quality of life.
Upgrade your communication style to achieve goals
Coping with your feelings in healthy ways can increase happiness and decrease stress. But if you can’t vent, how do you communicate with others when you want to feel heard and respected? First, name your feeling! Then, reflect on the goal you want from the conversation. Utilize “I” language and minimize blame.
For example, let’s say you are trying to get your significant other to clean the kitchen because he/she never does. Instead of saying “The kitchen is always dirty because you never clean it!”, try “I feel frustrated when the kitchen is messy.” Using neutral language opens up a conversation and using “I” language helps you identify your role in the situation. If you explain why a messy kitchen bothers you (it makes it harder to locate items, it can lead to pests, it’s a strain on your relationship) then you can ultimately reach a resolution or compromise, such as taking turns to clean the kitchen.
If you are quick to anger, ask the other person if you can return to the conversation at a later time. For some people, “later” means ten minutes, while for others it means several days. As long as you come back to the conversation, taking your time is perfectly okay! This gives you a chance to simmer down and identify your goals in communication.
For example, if you asked for a pay raise but your boss declined it, you might immediately find yourself wanting to give him a piece of your mind. However, if you can walk away and calm down, you might find that you’re not angry and you’re not actually about the money. You might instead feel worried that your boss considers you incompetent. Ask to revisit the conversation and use “I” language to reach your goal. Maybe you would like some praise for working hard. Say something like, “I was upset that I didn’t get the raise. I felt like that was a critique of my job performance. Could you explain what I can do better to ensure a raise next quarter?”
Summing up what you can do to simmer down
Engaging in regular venting sessions is doing you more harm than good. Although blowing off steam may feel like a release, it’s actually hurting your mental health, brain function, and social relationships. Changing your habits is no easy feat. However, research has shown that physical exercise, practicing mindfulness, and engaging in gratitude can reduce stress and increase happiness. In addition, naming your feelings and using softer language can enhance communication with others and help you achieve your goals. Try one of these strategies today and see for yourself - your well-being is waiting.